...we stumble over them, untangle them, stretch or tighten them, change and erase them, make new ones - we rejoice in them, we suffer because of them, we meet and part; we make love or wars, destroy and create.
Ouch, it already sounds very complicated.
And what are the boundaries, really?
According to the dictionary "a boundary is a real or imaginary line that marks the edge or limit of something". As things stand, for us human beings, this job of setting boundaries, both imaginary or rather energetic, and physical and territorial, is not going very well.
Boundaries are hard to set if you don't have a sense of identity and a more or less constructed ego that is necessary for functioning in this world. A sense for setting boundaries, i.e., our own idea of boundaries and what they should look like, will mostly be defined by our life experiences, the way we grew up, by trauma, and of course, by the way boundaries were set in the environment in which we developed.
Boundries serve us to protect ourselves and feel safe in someone's presence or in an environment, or at least, it is said so. The real question is: when and why someone feels threatened and insecure. What perception defines safe or dangerous? What is real and what is imaginary or projected onto reality... and what is reality, actually?
One decent starting point for exploring this boundary phenomenon remains in character structures. I hope they will bring us some clarity, and fast enough.
The schizoid character structure bears an existential trauma - even in the very early days of existence in the physical dimension some of us experienced an assault on our physical existence: a pre- or post-natal problem, as well as a complicated birth process that could have put our survival in danger. As a result, we conclude very early that we have no right to exist. When one makes an early decision that she has no right to exist and that danger exists at every step in this hostile world (which is often confirmed in everyday life), her defense system will be directed against her own physical existence. It sounds paradoxical, but practically it means the following: the smaller and more invisible I am, the less trouble will find me. Our main response mechanism to the environment will be withdrawal. We will hide from the world, from people, from the environment... from ourselves.
And our boundaries will be like that - withdrawn and often undefined and in some places non-existent. In fact, we won't even know exactly what people are talking about when they talk about boundaries... because we live in another world where there are no boundaries, and that is mostly outside the body and in the spiritual realms. In that world everything is one, so boundaries are not even needed. It is even peaceful without them and no one complains. It's actually cozy!
When I don't have the right to exist, when I move out of my body and mostly spend my time and life like that, there is no one left in the body to make boundaries in the physical world. And the part of me that is inside the body will be maximally withdrawn. Isolated. And at the same time, we will wonder how come that nobody notices us. Since deep within us there is a need for contact. And that's where the trouble arise - we want contact but also, we constantly run and hide from it. And so it goes, in a circle.
This creates very chaotic boundaries, as you may have already sensed. I'm here - I'm not here, I'm close - I'm far away, I'm a bit in the body - and mostly I'm not. No matter how it turns - distance and isolation are there.
And when the house is empty, someone else often moves in and starts moving things around, and creating new arrangements of things, reshaping, moving walls, defining boundaries for us. That story never ends well. Then we get even more frightened, and on the surface even more furious... but then again, powerless to do whatever. And then we turn against ourselves and come to conclusion that "something is wrong with me...". At this point the black hole and the abyss are infinite.
Thank God, there are other people in this world who happen to be somewhere near us, otherwise some of us would never get out of there.
Oral character structure - an abandoned child, like the previous one, has no character, no secure base for attachment since childhood. Our source of security was there, then it wasn't, or it wasn't enough. The flow of pleasure created by the contact was cut off too quickly - long before the infant's need was fully satisfied. Hence the need to initiate this feeling of pleasure again and again... but the narrative, or rather, the belief system, declares that the flow of pleasure cannot be completed, which can often lead to addictions.
The abandoned child had something from someone once... but it wasn't enough. And sometimes it had to wait... and wait... and wait...and remain in emptiness and most often, never get what it waited for. We realized very early on that we do not have the right to fulfill our needs for contact, presence, love, because we are not important enough, not good, smart, beautiful enough... we are not worthy of that something that we eagerly expect from the environment, and the environment never figures out what that is so that it can give it to us. We must not ask out of fear that once again they will not see us, hear us and come to fulfill our need. Someone worthless, as we feel in this scenario, can hardly deserve something and get that something.
That's why we will abandon our needs, as it has turned out countless times to be a futile job, and we will move on to fulfilling other people's needs, secretly hoping, consciously or unconsciously, that someone will someday notice us and that it will finally be our turn.
Once again, we let others define us, and consequently, our boundaries and also, what we need, as well as when and where we need it.
In the case of oral character, the boundaries go too far, they stretch over other people's needs: we simply offer to fulfill their needs even if they don't ask us to. Overflowing the boundaries leads to exhaustion of energy – there are so many people on the planet and everyone has countless needs... so there you go! It is an endless task.
And it goes on until we wear ourselves out, collapse and the inflated boundaries reduce like an overinflated ball (because that's not their natural place, especially not in the long run) and we break down inside… if there's anything left of us.
Again, unspoken expectations, often unconscious, imply that we are not seen and not asked how are we, do we need help. And as a rule, when that does not happen, we are disappointed, we feel used and deceived, stupid... and that's how self-criticism begins, judgments and inner voices that whip us and defeat us.
But we can never remember to ask for what we need. This requires relocating the inner boundraies, and that is too big a risk. That is why we continue to stretch the outer boundaries and overwhelm ourselves with other people's needs.
In the following essays we will explore the rest of the character structures and hopefully be able to define the healthy boundary as a result.
Stay tuned.
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